I almost lost my innocence

I haven`t heard of him for a week. I did not know what happened. What did I do to screw it up. We were off school, so had nothing to do to make me stop thinking of him.  I was with Sisifus. We were in an oriental shop. Don`t remember why we were there….we both loved this stuff…..maybe were looking for incense or something. And then the phone rang.  It was him. K. He wanted me to go to his place. 7pm sharp. I was pissed and happy at the same time.

I cannot remember what happened between the phone call and 7am. I was so nervous. I knew something`s gonna happen. I was punctual. Again – yes I have to mark this thing because this is pretty unusual from me, I`m always late. He told me that I can go inside, upstairs, the doors will be opened. I did exactly what he told me. But the house was empty. No one was there. I sat down on a huge armchair. And was waiting – from him.

I heard his steps…coming closer and closer. He came into the room. Didn`t notice that I was there….he got frightened when I said hello. (You got scared like this when you feel guilty about something, or about something. But that`s just my point of view right?)

He was freshly showered. And shaved. I got nervous. He tried to explain why was he disappeared for a week, family stuff and just blah blah blah. And then he asked me to sit next to him. I did it. I have to confess that I was afraid. He kissed me. And I was wet. I felt ashamed of it. Had no experience in this are I thought that there`s something wrong with me. He gently started to take my clothes of. I let him to do that. I did not know what I was doing – damn those instincts. He made me took off his clothes. His hands were everywhere, he kissed my breasts, he started to lick them, suck them, my nipples were getting harder. I was feel ashamed of that too. But he seemed glad about it……he moved his hand down on my body into my panties. His fingers were really naughty. He played with my puss…..he rubbed my clit then his fingers slipped into it…..I was wet…..soaking wet……I could hear it……was so embarassed……..but it felt so good……..it was a whole new feeling. I was masturbating for years before that but this Oh my God please forgive me .  He placed my hand on his “package”. He was hard. I`ve never seen a real life penis before. And forgive me for this, but I was always curious about how do men …ahmmm you know put their manhood into the right position….in pants I mean LOL ahmmmmm to the left, to the right, up or down……too much information for a day I guess (sigh).

When he pulled them of I got my long-awaited answer . I watched porn a lot, so I knew his MEMBER was an average one. But I liked it – Fuck those instincts – liked the way it was getting harder and bigger in my hand. He fingered me harder, he could hardly breathe…..and suddenly he stopped. He stood up, and left the sofa. I was like WTF what did I do wrong? But the reason he left me for a few seconds was he got the condom………- OMG no no THIS IS NOT HOW IT SUPPOSED TO BE AHHHH GOSH PLEASE HELP ME ANYBODY – I was screaming inside………..and then I dunno maybe my guardian angel heard me….but something happened……..something that was like deux ex machina…….

K. mom was at the door. A door made of glass……….Trust me I`ve never get dressed this fast…ever…..I hid behind the sofa. He dressed up too, was really angry, and opened the door. His mom came up because she just followed the dog. And heard strange noises. I stopped breathing for minutes. It was scary and soooooooo funny LOL. I don`t remember how could he made his mom leave but she was out in a really short time. When he came back to me his feeling the same things that I did. Angry and giggly and surprised. I told him I was leaving. He wanted me to stay. We sat down again……yes on the sofa. We couldn`t handle it for long……..started kissing again……..I still can feel the taste of his lips…..the sweet smell of his breath (ahmm now I think it was disgusting…..smelled like onions)….

I had to leave it was late….already dark outside. K. promised me he`s gonna call me.

He never did…..for a while…….

XOXO

Satine

Bring me to Life

The song that will always remind me of him. K. If you`ll ever had the chance to read this, and the chance to understand the lyrics, You`ll realise who you lost….

How can you see into my eyes like open doors?
Leading you down into my core where I’ve become so numb
Without a soul, my spirit sleeping somewhere cold
Until you find it there and lead it back home

Wake me up
(Wake me up inside)
I can’t wake up
(Wake me up inside)
Save me
(Call my name and save me from the dark)

Wake me up
(Bid my blood to run)
I can’t wake up
(Before I come undone)
Save me
(Save me from the nothing I’ve become)

Now that I know what I’m without
You can’t just leave me
Breathe into me and make me real
Bring me to life

Wake me up
(Wake me up inside)
I can’t wake up
(Wake me up inside)
Save me
(Call my name and save me from the dark)

Wake me up
(Bid my blood to run)
I can’t wake up
(Before I come undone)
Save me
(Save me from the nothing I’ve become)

I’ve been living a lie
There’s nothing inside
Bring me to life

Frozen inside without your touch
Without your love, darling
Only you are the life among the dead

All this time, I can’t believe I couldn’t see
Kept in the dark but you were there in front of me
I’ve been sleeping a thousand years it seems
Got to open my eyes to everything

Without thought, without voice, without a soul
Don’t let me die here
There must be something more
Bring me to life

Wake me up
(Wake me up inside)
I can’t wake up
(Wake me up inside)
Save me
(Call my name and save me from the dark)

Wake me up
(Bid my blood to run)
I can’t wake up
(Before I come undone)
Save me
(Save me from the nothing I’ve become)

I’ve been living a lie
There’s nothing inside
Bring me to life

How to punish your soon-to-be-ex? ON HER BIRTHDAY!

I was horny. I wanted to seduce him, for a moment I thought that I could have sex with him. But Aunt Flow is a bitch so, I had to cool myself down. I was pretty that day, I`ve felt myself pretty. Big hair, big eyes, big boobs…..

We met at the same place….he was giggly, I was nervous, knew that something`s gonna happen. The house was empty, I invited him in – and just how it happens with a vampire, I could never shut him out of the place and off my life. I wanted to show him my room, which was more crowded than the hall of an IMAX cinema. He was stunned, he loved it. But he couldn`t pay attention for long about the stuff I decorated my room with. He kissed me passionately, he made me sit down on the bed, he lay down next to me, he held me and we were close to second base…..I realised that I have the perfect trainer. The only thing I can be grateful for K. that he taught me how to be a good no not just good, great kisser. He had those gorgeous tasty big lips, and the smell of wet, earth and grass….I let my instincts to control me…told him if I hadn`t had my period, I would definitely have sex with him. (he forgot birthdays, he forgot dates, he forgot that I was a virgin back then, but he did not forget about this promise…) And then something has happened….

Suddenly it was like I was flow out of my body, and saw myself from the outside…he was acting like a weirdo….he sort of fucked me. He was on top of me, we were both fully dressed, but well, he was doing the moves, you know what I mean? He was kissing me and rubbing and licking my breasts, and after a while, I could let myself forget about everything….and do what my body wanted to do…

When he was overwhelmed by me, he stopped, and held me to his arms….I was kissing him….gently….everywhere……and he started to speak.

“Today is my girlfirend`s Birthday. That bitch ruins my life, I truly hate her. Don`t even know why I let her to live with me. She is not like you, she is a brimstone. I wish she could be more like you. Anyway on my way home, gonna take her some flowers tops. Doesn`t deserve more.”

Honestly, please tell me. What would you do in a situation like this? What would you say to a guy who`đ telling you a story like this? FACTS like this? I was crushed. I wanted to kick him out immediately. But I did not do that. I made the same mistake, like millions of women do in my situation. I believed him. I believed him, that his relationship is broken, and dying.

I haven`t heard of him for a week…

XOXO

Satine

What`s next?

I did not know what I said yes to. All I knew that I was excited. We met again that week. Poster hunt. We were together all day. But nothing has happened. He talked all day long. Seriously he was worse than a teenage girl. It was like he wanted to tell me everything that ever happened to him. I`ve felt honored. Significant. I could not believe that he is taken. Being with him, by his side was natural for me, like it was ment to be.

When I was a little girl, I dreamt of a perfect companion. Dreamt of the ONE, I could spend my life with. I knew back then, I could spend a lifetime with one special MAN. Yes, with capital letters. The year I met him, I lost my granny. I thought that angels sent K. to take care of me. To help me to forget all the bad things.

When we got back from the city, we hide just to share a kiss. (Gosh, if I close my eyes I can still feel the taste of that kiss.)

I supposed to meet him next Monday – Monday what a lovely day, I always hated it, but because of him I started to appreciate it -, and I prayed just to make sure, that my period would be late this time.

But unfortunately aunt flow came into town……

shit ….

XOXO

Satine

Devil`s Game

Monday. 6:30AM. I was so tired. Tired and enthusiast. And curious. I told my mom where do I have to go.

I am always late. But this time, I was there…in time. He was late, I was worried. But he came at last. He seemed nervous, I was calm. He wanted me to go to his place. I went there.

We were sitting on the sofa, the very same one, where we talked on for hours less than a week ago. He acted like a student who forgot to study for the finals. Then he started to speak. He was too realistic this time. NO bullshit, just touched the spot.

“Let`s make it clear. I am taken, I have a girlfriend – life partner actually -, we are together for more than 3 years now, so all we can do is to go for poster hunts or occasionally have sex.”

WTF? I couldn`t say a word. I was surprised, stunned, angry, I`ve felt everything that a person can feel at the same time. Yes I was confused. If I had a mirror, I would definitely looked into it checking my forehead looking for the WHORE sign. I was 17. Never had sex, never been kissed.

I was quiet about the kiss thing, but yes I told him, that okay that`s a fun thing – what he offered – but I am a VIRGIN.

He was shocked. I was thinking about what the fuck have I done? What did I do, that made me look like a hooker. 

He told me, that he thought that I am someone, who could get laid with anyone, anywhere, anytime.

I was shocked.

 ”To clear the air, I`m going to kiss you now”

I tried to act like a pro, but I laughed into his mouth. Thank God he thought that I was nervous. He was holding me in his arms, kissing my hair, and well, he was so cheesy.

“Oh Gosh, we are such fools, right?” – Yes dear you are a fool, but what the hell am I doing here?

He showed me the whole house – it was a mess, renovation or something – he told me that now he was living downstairs with the parents, but in 6 months this place will be ready to move in. During the little “tour” we kissed here, kissed there.

He told me I have to leave because his girlfriend will be home soon. It was fine by me, I wanted to leave hours ago. K. asked me to decide. I needed time.

At home, I was happy. I just had my first kiss. And I hesitated, I did not know what to do. I couldn`t tell my mom, that a stranger just asked me to be his lover.

Devil is a bitch. Fate is a Bitch.

My father left us – me and my mom -, to be with a whore. And I was close to become one.

I was an Angel. But the Devil won this time. I tried to explain why did I say yes, but I couldn`t find the answer…….yet.

XOXO

Satine

The Saturday Weirdness

When I got home, my first thing to do was to listen to that fabulous CD. Meet me in the red room….I`ve listened it a 1000 times….

I had no idea of what would we do on Saturday. Poster hunt gosh what a silly thing to do….anyway I was dying to meet him again. And I`ve felt myself totally stupid because I just forget his name, I mean I did not even forget. I did not even hear right his name when he introduced himself to me. So I went back to the local video store, where a friend of my used to work. And like a private detective I tried to find out a few things about the stranger. Yes his name was K. and yes he had someone in his life. But my friend wasn`t sure about it, so I decided to wait.

Two days before Saturday, my ankle got hurt. Every lil` step I made was like hell to me.I was really worried about that I couldn`t meet him because of the hurt ankle. But in the Morning, when I woke up, i did not feel a thing. My ankle was fine, better than fine. I was ready to meet him. Went to the bus stop, but he wasn`t there yet. I was afraid of that he forgot the date. 20 minutes later he showed up. He was tired, and rude. I was like okay, I think I should go home, he said, no-no it`s fine, he is just a little tired. We were supposed to spend the day together, and we weren`t speak at all to each other. It was an awkward situation.  He wrote a list of the places we should have gone to get the posters. I knew exactly where should we go to, but I was like okay, he is the man, I let him to lead me. Well, we couldn`t get a single a poster at all, so he agreed to follow me to the hot spot of movie posters (gosh I just sound like a geek LOL).

We went to see Louie.

Gee Louie. He was an usher. A what-up-yo-all-im-a-cool-pimp type of usher. I loved he soooo much. He had beautiful sparkly brown eyes. Louie was my movie stuff dealer. I bought posters, huge banners, standys, photographs, anything you can imagine. And I could go to watch movies half price all the time.

So, we went to him. He let us stay alone in his room. He winked at me when he left us there. Had absolutely no idea why did he do that. Later when he came back he asked us if we are together. K. said yes. I was confused. But we had what we wanted, so it was time to go.

K. told me that he has to go home, family stuff to do. I was like okay, i walked him down to the underground. We kissed goodbye, but when i left, i turned back and I saw a smile on his face. a cute smile.

I was happy.

Sisifus was late as usual, so I went to see a movie. 90 minutes later, she was there waiting for me. She wanted to know everything. Couldn`t say her much. We went to see another movie. How to lose a guy in 10 days. I should have foreseen it. It was a sign.

K. called me. He wanted to meet me on Monday. 8am. Had no idea why.

XOXO

Satine

Just met the ONE?????

You`ll understand soon, why was “The Aftermath” my latest post`s title……..

So we are talking about the day I met the guy….well let`s see…ahmmm..oh yes… I remember even the date. 14th of May 2003. We had to go to school, to have the last English class before the written exam. Me and my friend Sisifus were really excited, because after class we were gonna go shopping. His boyfriend (OMG that is such a funny story I have to tell you later) had Name Day (that is only a reason for celebration here I guess) and I agreed to go with her to get him something cute and funny.

Anyway we had fun, and well, it was 5pm already when i realised that I have to meet the guy at 7pm, and I still hadn`t had an excuse to go away from home that late. ( I am an only child, and my mother is a tigress so please understand it LOL) So I kissed my friend goodbye and went home. Well on the way home I`found out a pretty good excuse (meet my classmate to discuss things about the graduation essays or something) and I was on my way to meet the stranger…..ahm well according to the happenings a lil` suggestion to you all: NEVER ANSWER THE PHONE WHEN THERE`S NO CALLER ID!!! You can save 7 years of misery. So please listen to me okay?

Gosh how crazy is that, I met the person who took away my life near a church. I was walking across the park, and he was walking to me from the opposite direction. I could not believe that was the guy I am supposed to meet. He was looking like Vince Vaughn. Vince Vaughn in a good shape. The only difference was that he (the stranger) had long hair (in a ponytail - WTF? such a cliché). He was wearing a shirt, leather jacket, jeans, and sneakers – I have no idea why, but for weeks I remembered that he wore western boots -. Kisses on the cheeks, introduction – OMG he was so silent that I couldn`t decide whether his name was T. or K. – , sit down to a bench – behind the church.

I was cool, and open-minded, he was acting like a 12-year-old, showing me his tiny register book, where he alphabetically sorted his posters. It was crystal clear to me that he was a movie freak too, so I grabbed the opportunity to ask him about movie soundtracks. Especially about one. Moulin Rouge. I had the first CD, but the songs I really liked were on the second album, and yep, it was not a coincidence, he had that album. I was like a 5-year-old in a toy store, I wanted to borrow it, wanted to listen to it all day and night long. He told me that he lived in the Andrew Street next to the church, so if I want the CD, I can join him. Of course i went home with him. I wanted the CD! He invited me upstairs. That place was a mess. Imagine a house, where nothing works, where is no electricity, no water at all, and the furnitures, the stuffs are all over the place. finding a place to sit down is like going to a treasure hunt or something.  We sat down on to the sofa. I `ve never even thought of it that a man can speak that much. Seriously. I could have written his memoirs the day I met him. It was getting dark outside. He walked me home – on the way I was praying to make sure that he was going to ask me out to meet him again. And he did. It was a romantic invitation. Saturday morning (9am) I had to meet him to go for a movie poster hunt. Fun…huhh???

XOXO

Satine

The Aftermath

Year 2003. My Graduation year. I was a mess. My granny died this year. She was dying for months, slowly and painfully (mostly emotionally painful), I couldn`t help her. I couldn`accept the fact that I am losing her. I couldn`t cry when she died. I`ve  felt emptiness. A part of my soul died with her (I just have to have a big heart and even a bigger soul, because I`ve lost a lot, and I still hope that life is beautiful)

I`ve always been a straight A` student, but I did not want to study, I wanted to stop it, I hated people, my classmates, I wanted to be alone – I had no idea back then what was my real problem, but now I know….never had the chance to honestly tell anyone what I really feel – ….

When I`m sad, it affects my health all the time. When I have emotional problems, I always get sick. Although I missed a lot from school, days went by, and I was a day away from graduation.  The written exams. First Literature, then the Maths. I was 17-years-old. And was ready to get a new life.

Then the phone rang…..

…..several times, phone was mute – hello, maths exam? – no caller ID….had no idea who it was…..

I remember everything, like it was yesterday. It was 7pm and I was watching (on VHS) The House on Haunted Hill. (awful movie, but interesting story + sometimes it is scary and disturbing as hell)

And the phone rang. This time I picked it up. It was a stranger’s voice. I did not know who it was. Never met him before. But his voice was familiar to me. Maybe from my Past life, I dunno.

He told me, the  local video stores` owner gave him my phone number.  I remember that Red was talking about a guy, who was also a movie freak and a poster collector, and she asked me if she can give my number to this guy. I was like well, okay, bet that he is a geek, so no problem. 

The funny thing is, this happened months before he called me. 

Anyway, we met the next day……..

XOXO

Satine

How it all began……

Would you do it, if you could do it?

That was the tagline of this Movie. Unfaithful. 2002. A 17-year-old girl went to the cinema with her friends. As teenagers, we were all dying to see this movie – I am a huge movie freak, and I tried to infect them with this financially lethal hobby - because it was dark and sexy and forbidden…for a youngling of course. We sat down to our seats, and then something happened to me. I`ve changed.

The movie is about a family, living in the suburbs, a working dad, a stay home mom, and a kid who is a lil` bit hyperactive (I guess). Living in the suburbs can change someone. I know, I lived there for years. Connie (played by the amazing Diane Lane) is a bored housewife. Every day the same day for her. Getting up early, making breakfast, making lunch for hubby and child, taking kid to school, and then stay home `till afternoon, when hubby and kid come home, making dinner, check the boy`s homework do the dishes, be a tigress in the bedroom, go to sleep.  One day the wind blew someone to her life. Someone who changed her, shook her up from boredom. A young French man – Olivier Martinez – made her feel like a woman again. She became his secret Lover. He became her living fantasy. Hubby (Richard Gere) started to get suspicious……and if you are interested in the end of the story….you just have to watch this movie….simply fascinating, amazing, and sad at the same time…….

End credits………….my heart was beating faster…I knew something happend….inside of me…..I made a decision.  ” I would do it” was my answer……

This song burnt itself into my core…..

I wanted to experience it. A secret love affair, a secret lover…..so forbidden so tempting. I wanted it, I needed it.

Less than a year later, I got it……………

I am Who I am

My Name is Satine. And I am a Sexpert. 25-year-old, single girl, studying sexual psychology, and chronobiology. I am a Sexual Therapist. A kinky one for sure. All my life I knew, that I have a split personality. Nope, not in a Psycho way LOL. My mom raised me to be a good person. Someone, who is a straight A` student, someone, who knows what to do all the time, someone who is always responsible.

But when sun goes down, everything changes. I feel sometimes that I have a dark side. (Realised later, that it is ain`t no dark, it is just still forbidden to express. I like to live my sexual fantasies, express my sexual needs. For more than 18 years I tried not to listen to signs, that told me to leave the boring casual life behind me.  And then something magical happened. I met Astrology. Hindu Astrology. I finally realised that I am not a sick perv. My sex chakra`s working a lil´ bit more than it has to. I`ll tell you stories that have never been told. You can decide if they are based on true events or not. It`s totally up to you.

I am a sexual therapist. I continuously educate myself. I help people, to understand their physical, emotional and mental beings. Sex and Desires are extremely important in my life. And I know how to keep them in balance to make sure that the flowing energy in your body can be perfect. Body Mind and Soul. If you can keep balance among these three vital things, you can live in your own little Paradise. I can teach you how. Although this is the 21st Century, expressing sexuality is still a taboo. Only a few chosen ones know, that if you sexual life is healthy (for me it means there are no taboos in it) it will affect on the other aspects of your life too. Of course in a positive way.

People of the East always known that the working of the sex chakra is really important, because it contains the ability of giving and getting pleasures to our lovers.

I help you to keep your sex chakra in shape and in harmony with your other chakras. By telling me the date you were born (only month and day) I`ll tell you what type of person are you, and I`ll show you the way  how to find out what are your hidden talents. And of course I can tell you if you have any problems in your sexual life or in your relationship how to fresh it up, and how to solve your problems.

Break up is not an option. There`s always a reason, why your feelings have changed. I can help you find it out. 

Why am I here? I believe in faith. And I believe in fate. My goal is to make people love themselves the way they are, and understand the importance of sex in their lives and make sure that their chakras (especially the sex chakra) are in balance with each other. 

I wanna show you that the key of happiness is YOU!

XOXO

Satine